Comings and goings...
We went on a whirlwind 11 day trip to HK and SG. Initially it was only an invitation to visit my brother who has just committed a long-term relationship... with a mortgage. Yes, the dude has finally got his first apartment and indeed, a worthy event to celebrate. I think it was also an excuse for my dad for a impromptu family gathering. After all, it is so rare that our whole family gathers under one roof (well, once a year on CNY). But even then, everyone only gathered for 1 evening for dinner and then a rather symbolic eating of tang yuan at my brother's new home (and that was done rather quickly and fuss-free, with store brought dessert). It is difficult to stay under one roof for long when everyone works and resides in different countries. I am sure i have mentioned this before, our whole family has not stay under one roof (for extended period of time) since i was 18yrs old. That's 16yrs in all.
I think out of all my family members, i spend the least time with my brothers. First part of that 16 years both of them were studying in Au while i was in UK. And later, one of them went on to work in AU then HK, and the other in China. As for my parents, i think they see me and my youngest brother most of all. It is all small wonder that my 2nd brother decided to work in HK so as to be closer to them who works in Humen. Now i guess, i am the only one furthest away. It used to be i am the 'fort holder' back in SG, 'guarding' the family home while they are overseas and wait for our annual gathering in CNY as a whole family. Now that i am living in Melbourne, i think i am starting to understand the position my brother is in when he is staying alone on his own in AU all those years.
I think 16 years has probably made us quite used to being on our own but we do cherish the limited occasions when everyone are together. To other people, it seems very matter-of-fact, how we treat this type of 'family life'. We don't make a big hooha about comings and goings like typical families do. Dropping each other off at airports and then driving off is the norm. We would often just make our own way home (or to whoever's place) unless it is particular far or if there are alot of luggages involved. All that flying in and out of a country makes a trip to the airport as common as taking a bus. In a way, it makes us stoically accept that goodbyes are part and parcel of our lives. In fact, long drawn-out goodbyes make me uncomfortable that i frequently ask people NOT to come send me off. I think people think that i am being rude or ungrateful but it is hard to explain that i am really not used and downright uncomfortable after all these years of living a life where goodbyes are not said with words/actions but with the belief and trust that the person leaving will be fine.
I guess my siblings and I have just grown up learning not to treat such events emotionally. We are a weird bunch, my sibs and I. In a lot of ways, we are really pragmatic and non-fuss people but yet, we are emotional too. Just try getting one of us upset (we have different trigger points but we can be very emotionally expressive) and you will see that we are not emotionally dead people. Our unique environment has just shaped us differently from most of the families i know. I dont know how we would be like if given more 'normal' circumstances, but i know our past has equipped us with the ability to be independent, to be alone and to adapt to new places. Sometimes i wonder if it has also inevitably made us more outwardly emotional aloof to people and places. Attachment is not something overtly shown on our faces. Not to things, to places, and to some extend, to people. It makes detachment easier for us, compare to other people but it is a fallacy to think that we do not form attachments. We have just learnt to let them go quicker than most (even if we may not want to) because we know that's how life is and we will just make things work out.
At this juncture, where i have my own family and own child, i do wonder if i will ever put them through the same thing or have them learn the same things i and my siblings did. I admit that one reason why i practically have to defend my decision of taking care of Avery on my own and not relinquishing that 'job' to other caregivers is because i just want to be part of her life in each and every way. My parents had to 'sacrifice' family time for the sake of earning a living/survival in our childhood, now i cherish the ability to give that to Kiddo because i can afford to, unlike my parents. On the other hand, i do want Kiddo to learn the things my sibs and I learnt. As much as it may pain me in the future, i think i will send her off on her own, to learn to stay on her own two feet, make her own mistakes and hopefully, learn from them. I hoped that having a close relationship/bond with parents and learning independence will not be a mutually exclusive thing. It is a tough call and one, i hope i will make the right one when the time comes.
I think out of all my family members, i spend the least time with my brothers. First part of that 16 years both of them were studying in Au while i was in UK. And later, one of them went on to work in AU then HK, and the other in China. As for my parents, i think they see me and my youngest brother most of all. It is all small wonder that my 2nd brother decided to work in HK so as to be closer to them who works in Humen. Now i guess, i am the only one furthest away. It used to be i am the 'fort holder' back in SG, 'guarding' the family home while they are overseas and wait for our annual gathering in CNY as a whole family. Now that i am living in Melbourne, i think i am starting to understand the position my brother is in when he is staying alone on his own in AU all those years.
I think 16 years has probably made us quite used to being on our own but we do cherish the limited occasions when everyone are together. To other people, it seems very matter-of-fact, how we treat this type of 'family life'. We don't make a big hooha about comings and goings like typical families do. Dropping each other off at airports and then driving off is the norm. We would often just make our own way home (or to whoever's place) unless it is particular far or if there are alot of luggages involved. All that flying in and out of a country makes a trip to the airport as common as taking a bus. In a way, it makes us stoically accept that goodbyes are part and parcel of our lives. In fact, long drawn-out goodbyes make me uncomfortable that i frequently ask people NOT to come send me off. I think people think that i am being rude or ungrateful but it is hard to explain that i am really not used and downright uncomfortable after all these years of living a life where goodbyes are not said with words/actions but with the belief and trust that the person leaving will be fine.
I guess my siblings and I have just grown up learning not to treat such events emotionally. We are a weird bunch, my sibs and I. In a lot of ways, we are really pragmatic and non-fuss people but yet, we are emotional too. Just try getting one of us upset (we have different trigger points but we can be very emotionally expressive) and you will see that we are not emotionally dead people. Our unique environment has just shaped us differently from most of the families i know. I dont know how we would be like if given more 'normal' circumstances, but i know our past has equipped us with the ability to be independent, to be alone and to adapt to new places. Sometimes i wonder if it has also inevitably made us more outwardly emotional aloof to people and places. Attachment is not something overtly shown on our faces. Not to things, to places, and to some extend, to people. It makes detachment easier for us, compare to other people but it is a fallacy to think that we do not form attachments. We have just learnt to let them go quicker than most (even if we may not want to) because we know that's how life is and we will just make things work out.
At this juncture, where i have my own family and own child, i do wonder if i will ever put them through the same thing or have them learn the same things i and my siblings did. I admit that one reason why i practically have to defend my decision of taking care of Avery on my own and not relinquishing that 'job' to other caregivers is because i just want to be part of her life in each and every way. My parents had to 'sacrifice' family time for the sake of earning a living/survival in our childhood, now i cherish the ability to give that to Kiddo because i can afford to, unlike my parents. On the other hand, i do want Kiddo to learn the things my sibs and I learnt. As much as it may pain me in the future, i think i will send her off on her own, to learn to stay on her own two feet, make her own mistakes and hopefully, learn from them. I hoped that having a close relationship/bond with parents and learning independence will not be a mutually exclusive thing. It is a tough call and one, i hope i will make the right one when the time comes.
